How to love someone, while they grieve ❤️

As many of you know, just three days before my sweet Kalia was born, one of my dearest friends lost her baby in stillbirth, as well as almost losing her own life. She was scheduled to have a c-section on my birthday just four weeks later. She has two boys and was pregnant with a girl and there were too many things in common….I thought for sure she would never talk to me again {I mean, it would have been hard for me to, had roles been reversed} But I wasn’t okay with that. Alissa is one of the greatest people I have ever met, with the sweetest soul. I can’t remember how many times it was said at the beginning of our friendship “we were just meant to be friends”. I just knew there was something special about her and our friendship. I had NO idea what a blessing she would be to my life, or me to hers!

My whole life I have had a very unique understanding of those going through hard times, specifically grieving the loss of a loved one. I’ve learned throughout the last nine months that it is a gift, and I’m so thankful for that. When I found out what happened, I immediately wanted to text Alissa but at first was advised not to. The friend to inform me wasn’t sure how public she wanted this to be and she wanted to hold off for just a bit. When I felt it was right, I literally had no words but “I love you” to send. Here I was miserably pregnant, been contracting for nearly 4 weeks, and in early labor for several days. I was ready to be DONE being pregnant. So much so, that I never even THOUGHT that I needed to worry about the baby’s health. I never ever thought that there was a chance I could lose my baby. Now, I’m very aware, that it is one of the most common ways to lose a pregnancy. 1% of pregnancies in the United States is lost to stillbirth. It is 10 times more common than that of SIDS. TEN TIMES MORE LIKELY! So why don’t we talk about it? Why does EVERY pregnant woman not know more realistically, that it is a true risk to herself and her baby? Well, I’m gonna try to help that! In hopes that not only someone may understand that there’s a risk, but when you know someone who experiences it, you may know what to say/do to relieve some of their pain!

Lessons I’ve learned about being a friend to someone grieving the loss of a baby….

UNDERSTAND

Do everything and anything you can, to be understanding of what they’re going through. I know it’s hard to talk about, I know it’s “scary” for you to mention. But it means more to them than you will EVER know! Talk about that babe. Validate their feelings of pain and sadness, because believe me when I say, those feelings will be there whether you mention them or not! Often times I’ve been able to just resonate with Alissa, and tell her very bluntly, I DON’T know what you’re going through because I’ve never experienced it, but I can do my best put myself in your shoes and imagine how I’d be handling it. And I tell her often, I can only guess I’d be doing the exact same thing!

BE SAD WITH THEM!

For some reason our human rationale is that we’re not allowed to be sad because “it wasn’t my kid” or “I can’t imagine what she’s going through”, which are true. But nothing makes that mama feel more alone, than feeling like the death of her child ONLY affected her. Let them know if and when you’re thinking about their baby, and why! I text Alissa often, with tears streaming down my face, exclaiming that I just don’t get it, and that I HATE this for her! And also when milestones happen, I acknowledge that I’m thinking of her and what she’s missing. Believe me, she’s already thought about it, long before she realizes she’s not the only one thinking about it. Which again, makes her feel a little less alone!

TELL THEM WHAT MAKES YOU THINK ABOUT THEM

That mama will NEVER stop thinking about that baby. No matter the days, months, and years that go by, there is not a moment they will ever stop imagining what their life would be like, should that baby have lived. When you see them and think about their baby, tell them. When you look at your own precious little girl born 3 days later, and can’t help but think of theirs, tell them! Alissa has often gotten messages from me that include why, where or how something made me think of Anna. Truthfully, there won’t be a day for the rest of forever that I don’t think of Anna. Everything my little girl does reminds me that Alissa should be experiencing that same thing and she’s not. And it breaks my heart for her, all over again, every single time.

MILESTONES

I’ll remind you again, if you haven’t gotten the gist so far, that mama will NEVER stop thinking about her baby. There’s not a milestone she’ll miss or forget about. There’s even “milestones” no one else will think of, that will be monumental to that mama. For example, Anna was born still on the 20, which was a Sunday. It took 8 months for the 20th to land on a Sunday again! That was monumental for Alissa, and no one else would have ever put two and two together! There are plenty of more obvious milestones, on which days you should absolutely reach out! That mama feels alone in grief most days. For you to remember her and her late babe on the days that “mean” something, will make her smile, even for just a moment, on those days that are extra hard.

WHAT’S NEXT?

You have to remember, and put into perspective, that the entire FIRST YEAR is planned around a baby, the instant there is a positive pregnancy test. This is true also for mama’s who lose their babies in the first 20 weeks, having a miscarriage! The moment there is a positive pregnancy test, you look forward to that due date. It’s circled on a calendar, and the year to follow is planned up, imagined, and dreamed about. So when a mama loses that baby, make no mistake, those plans, imagery, and dreams are still very much a part of her daily thoughts, feelings, and emotions. For AT LEAST that first year, every single thing she will do, every place she will visit, and everywhere she travels, will have included plans with that baby she is now missing. Be sensitive to that. Acknowledge that. Talk about it. Mention that babe. Alissa had finally softened to the idea of me offering love and friendship, when she was in Canada on her annual family trip back home. Her husband was filming a movie and she bought a wrap specifically knowing Anna would be there and she wanted to wear her on set. You can imagine how empty she felt as she was on set just 8-10 weeks after losing Anna, with no baby wrapped up, or in her arms. She shared with me her heart, that it was broken at the sight of that wrap still in it’s package. I shared with her my broken heart, for her, that I prayed one day she’d have that rainbow babe. She thanked me for my friendship and reflected on the unexpected connection we’d found.

MOVING ON

Please understand, for your mama friend who is grieving, there is no such thing as moving on. Let me explain… There is no forgetting. There is not a single day for the rest of her life she will not imagine what that baby would be like, how big, how old, what grade, what activities, etc. She will never see pregnancy the same, whether her own or anyone around her. She may have less bad days. She may be able to talk about that baby, her life, and her story, and not cry...but that doesn’t mean she’s “over it”, EVER. She may move on in life, and mention that babe less often, but that does not mean she doesn’t spend all day every single day, still thinking of her. Remember that baby, ALWAYS. I will spend the rest of my life reminding Alissa that we’re missing Anna. That she should be there, right beside Kalia, at every single life event or even just play dates, forever. That they should both be receiving the torment of older brothers, and attempting to keep the peace between them. There’s not a day in my life, ever, that I won’t think of Anna, and in turn her mama, and the amazing friend she’s been to me even though she was given every single reason under the sun not to be!

This is for Alissa, my best friend Aubree, and every other friend I’ve had who’ve lost their sweet angels much too soon. I love you. I hope you know there is not a day in my life I don’t think of you and hurt for you. I want to do whatever I possibly can to help you not feel alone. To be the friend you need, no matter how much that may change over the days and years to come. I have never, and will never, take for granted the ease I have in bearing children, because I’ve witnessed your grief. I know it, and sometimes don’t understand it. If I could take your pain away, I would. Instead I’ll spend every day helping others in this world know what to do and say, to be the friend you need, when they may have no idea how to react to your loss.All in al, just BE there, JUST. BE. A. FRIEND <3